Hubuduh What?

...
2006-10-23 : 1:45 pm

I'm sounding the dland alarm, kids.

I'm raising the dland Bat Signal.

It's a dland Call to Arms.

I ask for any prayers/wishes/hopes/vibes/songs/emanations/whatever it is that you do for my mom, a smoker of 53 years, who called me last night to tell me (cheerfully and enthusiastically, of course, in a shittily veiled attempt at leading me to believe that this is TOTALLY not a problem, because I'm 2 years old and the tone of one's voice matters so much more than what one actually says) that she has found a big, fat lump in her breast.

She is positive there is nothing wrong, she's just going to let the doctor check it out because that's what you're supposed to do, and her arm injury has been hurting her so she's been meaning to go anyway, she might as well just ask him to check this out while he's at it. It doesn't feel like cancer to her, and she's always had a 6th sense about these things, so I really should just trust her and not worry at all.

It very well may not be cancer, she's right. And I am going about my day at work as though nothing is wrong. As far as everyone here knows, the worst part of my life right now is that my flight to Vegas tomorrow (did I mention I'm going to Vegas tomorrow?) isn't direct. But just below the din of the working day, the thoughts of servers to update, the clicks and clacks of keys as they type messages to clients, the laughter at the most recent cartoon from the New Yorker posted in the breakroom, there is one phrase which is being repeated over and over again in my gut, and no matter how much I tell myself that there is NO point in worrying about a possible lump which could just as easily be completely benign, the phrase won't stop repeating, and my gut is clenched in a tight, black ball.

Aren't I completely overreacting? Am I early? Doesn't everyone else wait to freak out until they hear the actual words? Who gets this scared because of an undiagnosed lump? Am I wrong? I don't know, I can't remember how it goes in the movies, and I can't remember how it has gone in my friends' lives.

At the same time, however, this IS my absolute biggest, baddest, hairiest monster fear. The one that woke me up as a child crying from nightmares, and the one that woke me up last night crying because this time it is actual, real possibility.

The Dude was wonderful last night, and I realized that while I've opened myself up to the relationship with him I've denied myself and anyone else for the past 10 years, I've also not yet fully put myself out there. However, I seemed to be the only one embarrassed by my crying in front of him, so that's just my issue to get over, I guess. I must say, though, that while I felt a little bit uncomfortable by my being so vulnerable in front of him, I felt an even greater sense of comfort that he was the one there with me while I had to be so vulnerable.

It's not worth it, though. I don't need the possibility of my mother having cancer to be the thing that brings me closer to my boyfriend. Silver cloud my ass. I mean no offense to him, but I'd rather it be anything but that.

Starbucks needs to start carrying Oolong tea. I like the Ginger Green, but nothing is quite so comforting as Oolong, it seems.