Hubuduh What?

cliche
2006-06-04 : 11:22 pm

I've recently realized I am a cliche. A cliche, man. I had no clue.

I am (drumroll) Wall-Around-Her-Heart-Girl! Awesome. I thought I was all open and receptive but guess what? Turns out, all along, somewhere deep deep down deep deep down deep down in the cobwebby, craggy, recesses of my cold, black, atrophied heart I just shoot 'em down before they ever have a chance. I simply turn it off and find the bad in them before they find the bad in me, I guess. I guess that's what I naturally do. I guess I do it so that I can't really put myself out there, so that I won't get hurt, or even slightly bruised. I thought I put myself out there quite often, in fact, but it seems now, looking back, that I've been very superficial about it.

I bounced, always. I just thought that was because I was strong and self-sufficient. Guess what? Wrong. Seems I simply wasn't allowing myself to care enough to get to the point where I could get hurt or even slightly bruised.

Now, with hindsight being 20/20 I can pinpoint almost exactly when and definitely exactly why this here wall was built.

How I've managed two relationships and hundreds of crushes since that point without realizing this is completely beyond me. Actually, now that this has been brought to my attention, this wall is exactly the reason why I ended those two relationships and why all I've had beyond that were crushes and isolated hookups.

But the point is, as self-aware as I apparently think I am, I had no idea. Apparently I am no more self-aware than an unfinished, unpainted birdhouse.

Guess how I found out.

Alright, well, anyway, now suddenly I find the wall has maybe started to crumble a bit, much to my shock and dismay, and it's looking like I may be hurt or at least slightly bruised sometime very soon. Or I could be, is the point. I really can't tell for sure. I mean, I guess I definitely could be wrong. I could even be wrong about the status of the wall itself, but from where I stand, looks like that brick and mortar should have stayed right where it was. I can never tell, apparently. Apparently I am totally not in tune with anything. Surprise, surprise. Other people can read situations, can tell what's happening. I, however, am shocked and surprised at every turn. I was absent the day they taught Life, apparently.

And now all I want is to know how I even let this happen. Holy sneak-up-on-Jenny time. I didn't see it coming one little teeny tiny bit. And, I mean, it's not like what I'm feeling is really even big. It's little, actually. But the point is, it's There. And it has caught me by surprise. It's like waking up 100 lbs heavier than you ever remember being, and not having any clue where the weight came from, or any recollection of letting it happen. Literally, yesterday you were fitting into those size 8s and today it's a 24. And since you were so unprepared, you have no clothes and you are naked.

Fuck.