Hubuduh What?

unexpected therapy in the middle of the workday. alrighty then!
2006-11-10 : 10:38 am

The Dude is pretty awesome, right?

Like, I'm getting sick right now. I tell him I don't think I should come over because I don't want to get him sick. He's like "I don't care. Come over anyway." Then I won't kiss him because I don't want to get him sick. He says, "Just so we're clear, biting your lips isn't gonna make me stop trying to kiss them. Take Zicam. Drink water. I love you."

I've been gaining weight (totally his fault because of his addiction to ice cream and my compassionate inability to let someone suffer through addiction alone). I'm like, my heaviest ever right now. He still is constantly telling me how cute I am. Sexy, even. And you should see this boy. Built like a Roman statue. I'm a Ruben, he's The David. Well, in some ways. Heh, heh... sorry.

I totally failed at Being a Woman yesterday. I didn't cook dinner right (it wasn't the lasagna, because I'm a goddess at lasagna, obvi), and THEN I messed up baking the brownies. He still loves me even though I'm a far cry from Donna Reed.

I threw a party between our second and third dates. Knowing I was all stressed out, he showed up early with a cup of coffee for me. Um, if you know me, you know this is akin to pulling me to my feet after I'm hovering an inch from hot molten lava and the fiery death that would ensue.

He happily holds the yarn when I need to wind the skein into a ball.

He drives me everywhere, since I don't have a car. He even offered to take me to my mom's before Thanksgiving.

My mom's been worrying me lately. She's living alone, since I've been gone and dad's up in H-Town. I think she's doing alright, but I'm not sure. I think she's having her ups and downs.

I've never acknowledged this too publicly, certainly not here, but. Actually I'm not going to. Not yet. She's dealing with some stuff. I think sometimes she's on top of it, but more often it's on top of her. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that, though. All I can do is let it happen. There's 27 years for you, by the way. 27 years summed up. That's what 27 years will teach you. Can you believe it takes 27 years to figure that out? That you can't control someone else's life or actions? Doesn't it seem like the kind of thing you just need to be told once? Or even something you'd just inherently know? Apparently not. Apparently it takes 27 years, millions of tears, countless ultimatums, several throat-damaging screaming matches, and a few other instances I can't actually bring myself to write out or speak about to realize none of it is anything I could ever begin to have any effect on. Which sucks. It's like being in prison and having to take it up the ass. Powerless. That's what it feels like, having to just let the same old nightmare happen to you over and over, and not be able to do anything about it. What's also weird is that in real life, if I refer to it at all, which is rarely if ever, I acknowledge that it's a crappy part of my life, but I'm fairly casual about it. I have to pretend I'm well-adjusted in order to not completely break down about it.

I kinda can't wait for Thanksgiving. I think she needs some time with me. I'm torn on Thanksgiving. I really want to bring The Dude home with me for our T Day, but I also really think she needs some time with me. She feels exactly the same way, which is how I know she needs some time. If she wasn't feeling incredibly vulnerable right now, she'd have his place set already. She loves him, by the way. She thinks he's the bee's knees. The day she met him, she didn't know really how I felt about him, she just knew I'd hung out with him a few times. She said she thought he was special. She was right.

His family is so welcoming to me. I'm included. It's incredible. It feels amazing, to be honest. My family, while they are mine and I love them, they don't come close to resembling any sort of typical family unit. We are spread out geographically, not exactly close, emotionally. Not the family I want to create someday. I realize, as an adult, that I don't actually have that familial net, that cozy, familiar enclosure I can always return to. My mom fits that description, but she's dealing with her own stuff, so it's kind of dissipated a bit. Growing up, I always thought I had this, but it turns out I don't really. Which feels very inorganic to me. I am a cozy, comfy person. When I create a family, it will be a big, warm, cozy family. Even if we have our issues, I will be the Mama Bear and I will create that cozy hearthside feeling for everyone. It's just who I am. I always thought my mom and I had this perfect, comfy relationship, and that's certainly an element of it, but I realize our relationship is in reality more complicated than that. In fact, it's more complicated than anything I've ever encountered. More complicated than anything I could ever have conceived of.

It makes me wonder when the other shoe will drop in all my other relationships. How can my relationship with Ken be so simple? I mean, I know we've been together for about 3 seconds in the grand scheme of life, granted, so there's really been no time for complications to develop, but how can any relationship be so simple? How is that possible, when it could be so complicated? I find myself seeking out the complications in it, but, at least so far, they aren't there.

I feel off balance. I've met dozens of members of his family. He's met two members of mine. I've been to family gatherings of his, parties and vacations and dinners and memorial services. He's been to my mom's with me to hang out for a bit, maybe grab a bite to eat while I pick up my winter coats and we're on our way. I feel our family dysfunction is plastered on every wall of that house. That it's so obvious. It's become so clear to me how not close I am with my family, seeing how close he is with his. I haven't seen the greater portion of my family, my aunt and uncle and their five million kids and grandkids in about 2 years. And that's pretty normal. I love when we do get together, but I also feel about a million miles away. There are infinite levels of complication in that family, as well. Lies and failed expectations and gossip and so, so many facades. Everything looks so perfect and absolutely nothing comes close.

They try, though. My family is full of good people who try their hardest. I'm included in that, being far, far from perfect myself. And I love them for it. They are my family, and I wouldn't trade them.

I don't know how long Ken and I will last because who can tell the future, but while we do, I appreciate being so welcomed into his family. It's nice to see one that works. Now, of course his family isn't perfect. They have had their more than fair share of tragedy and problems. And I respect and honor that. I also recognize that I've probably seen about 5% of his family's situation. But everyone's just a bit more honest over there. And they are good, sweet people. And they are so sweet to me. It's incredibly touching, and I feel blessed.