Hubuduh What?

cross out jenny
2006-04-25 : 11:27 pm

Okay, well, this is fun.

All I can think about is my final project. It's all I can concentrate on. I'm somehow expected to care about work right now, but I don't, I just want to get through this project. I'm enjoying putting it together, immensely, and yet I'm completely stressed out and in a constant state of close-to-tears. Or actual tears.

There are two people at work who, I swear, are hating me from the cozy confines of their shared office. I can't even look at either of them, they love to point out every fucking mistake I make, and refuse to accept when it's not my mistake (meaning, they'll just go ahead and blame me regardless) and they are constantly looking down at me. Constantly. It is incredibly distracting and it's really beating me down. My mother came down really hard on me this morning for something completely inconsequential and I absolutely blew up at her. All I could think was how much I wanted to just FLIP OUT and be violent and loud. I've reached some kind of a limit, and I'm not sure how I got here, or why. Work has been stressful, both of them, I have a very good friend who seems to be distancing a bit, and I don't know why and it's worrying me a little. What happens when you're not sure if there's something that's not being said? I have no fucking answers, I don't even know the questions, I just want to cry and to sleep until I wake up naturally, then get through this project. Above all, I want everyone with whom I come into close geographical contact on a daily basis to leave me the fuck alone. I want to not be penalized in any way for shoving my hands in people's faces and on their shoulders, pushing them out of whatever room I'm standing in and saying "Go away! Go Away. Go away go away. Go away! GOWAYGOWAYGOWAY! Go. The fuck. Away. GO AWAY!!! GO. AWAY."

This project is more than a project to me. If I can do it right, this project will prove to me that I am actually good at something. When I was in high school, in college, I was fucking invincible. One exceptionally traumatic experience later, and I've spent the past 5 years of my life trying to regain that confidence in my talents and abilities. This project is kind of the culmination of that. The professor's going to give me an A if I turn anything in at all, this isn't about the grade. He knows that, we all do. I need to love the final product. This is something I've been composing in my head for the past 4 years, since I left Colorado. I'm finally doing it, and I need it to work. I think it will, I just need the goddamn time to do it, and when I'm constantly surrounded by all this fucking negativity, I can't spend the time on the project, because I'm trying to depolarize.

Today was the first day in a LONG time when I've wanted a cigarette so badly that I've actually contemplated smoking one. It's been a constant feeling all day, and I still have it now. I think the issue is that there have been so many things just eating away at me in so many different places, and I've been concentrating so hard on keeping it together, that with one small tap of the hammer I'm finally starting to break a little. I think next Thursday I may drive to Canada, get out of my car, scream at the top of my lungs, crumple to the ground and go immediately to sleep for 23 hours, then drive home eating an ice cream cone.

I could use some encouragement and support, instead of a million voices telling me I suck and I'm mean and insensitive and thoughtless and lazy and I never quite handle things right, and I always give the wrong impression and I always say the wrong thing and I'm not quite, nor will I ever be, good enough. For anybody. In any capacity. Ever.