Hubuduh What?

how long till my soul gets it right
2007-01-11 : 11:17 am

Picture a dude who looks like Jesus. The white Jesus, not the black Jesus. He's got the big brown helmet of hair, he's wearing trendy glasses. You have no idea if he's tall or not because he is so incredibly skinny he disappears when he turns sideways. He wears the same boots every day, and when he walks he walks slowly. Saunters, even. You hear each individual thump of the heavy boots.

Ba BUMP.

He is 21 years old. His job title is Genius. He is not a genius, but his job title is Genius, because he's been trained on how to fix your laptop. He refers to himself and his coworkers as "Geniuses." As in, "Uh, hey guys, I'm gonna have some of the Geniuses over on Friday night, are you cool with that?"

He uses phrases like "Peanut Butter Goldmine," "The pill," "Mad pussy," and "Vagina on my dick spell."

"I went to a B.U. bar last night, it's mad exclusive, you can't get in unless you're with someone who goes to B.U. There were so many chicks in there it was the fuckin' PILL! Peanut Butter Goldmine, man... Peanut Butter Goldmine... We're going back tonight. There's gonna be MAD pussy in there. I'm meeting this girl from last night and she's gonna come home with me. Vagina on my dick spell!!!"

Last September, when he brought a microwave to your apartment, one that was a definite upgrade from the microwave that was there, he talked about it every day for two weeks. "Hey. Did you see the new microwave? This new microwave is MAD sweet. If you press the Popcorn button and then just leave it alone? PERFECT POPCORN. Peanut Butter Goldmine..."

He once made you sit through an entirely unsolicited 20 minutes of him, sitting in too-small sweat pants and nothing else, bitching about how much it sucks that he can't fit into regular sized condoms. That he needs to go to the specialty condom store on Newbury St. That even the Magnums they sell at CVS break. "It sucks, man. It's so expensive to buy specialty condoms."

When you all, as an apartment, decided to switch from one cable company to another, he came in and asked the cable guy "Oh, is that the ML-216Z20 cable box?" The cable guy said, "Uh, yes, actually. You know the model number of the cable box?" He said, "Yeah, I just know a lot about cable boxes." The cable guy said, "Well, that's really the only model we use. We don't really have several different kinds. The variety comes in the service you subscribe for." "Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. I was just checking."

When he got his job as a Genius, the conversation went like this:

Him: "I got a job."

You: "Great."

Him: "I'm going to be the head of technical support for Apple."

You: "You're going to be the head. Of technical support..."

Him: "For Apple."

You: "For Apple."

Him: "Yes."

You: "Um. Where will you be working."

Him: "In Chestnut Hill."

You: "You will be working as the head of technical support for Apple in Chestnut Hill?"

Him: "Yes."

You: "Do you mean the Apple Store in the Chestnut Hill mall?"

Him: "Yes. Or maybe the Cambridge one."

You: "You will be the head of the technical support department for the Apple Store in Chestnut Hill?"

Him: "Yes. Or maybe the Cambridge one."

You: "So what you're saying is, you're being hired as the manager for the tech support department of the Chestnut Hill Apple Store."

Him: "Yes. Assistant Manager."

Later you find out (quite by accident, as you make it a point never to actually seek information about him) that he's not a manager of any kind, he's just a regular old rookie Genius.

He tells you that Steve Jobs sent him a Christmas card. You ask to see it. He says it's on his computer. You say, "Do you mean that Steve Jobs sent out a Happy Holidays email to everyone who works for Apple?" He says, "Yes."

You wake up one morning, let's say it's January 9th, 2007. He is gone, presumably to work, as his schedule as the head of technical support FOR APPLE is so incredibly demanding. Your other roommate tells you that he spoke to the Genius this morning.

"He got another personal email from Steve Jobs. He told me that today Steve Jobs is giving his keynote address about the new Apple product. I asked what it was, he said he couldn't tell me. It was priviledged information. I asked if they had the super secret product stocked in the store, he said yes they did, but he couldn't tell me what it was. He said 'Today's the day that Apple changes the world.' I asked him if he was talking about the iPhone, since I read on dig.com that morning that today Apple was releasing the iPhone. He frowned a little and said, 'Wull... just check the Apple website around 2...' and left for work."

Your other roommate eventually leaves for his own job at 3:30 (there is no new information on the Apple site at this time.) Around 6:30 you hear the backdoor open.

Ba BUMP... Ba BUMP... BA BUMP BA BUMP BA BUMP. He walks toward you with his usual strut at a much faster pace, dipping even lower than usual, like a Jive-Talkin' pimp from the late 70's. His face is aglow, and he speaks with a very, very hoarse voice as he walks toward you. "It's an iPod! It's a Phone! It's a Mac! Goddamn it is the coolest thing ever invented. Did you hear?? Did you hear about the iPhone???" You say, "Yes." He tells you that he's hoarse from the celebration of its release. He goes into his room and you hear him replay the keynote address from Steve Jobs. Twice.

Later that evening he opens the door as a new 52" Plasma Screen High-Def TV is delivered into the apartment. Your living room is huge, granted, but no matter where you put this thing, the couch is just a little too close. At this point you've moved into your room to do your own thing, and to avoid him and all of the iGlory.

The next night you come home and walk directly into the kitchen. He hears you and comes into the kitchen to pop popcorn. He says, "Did you see the new 52" Plasma Screen High-Def TV?" (Then he apologizes for his voice, which is still very hoarse.) You say "Yes." This is obviously not enough praise, so he says "It's 52" wide." You say, "What was wrong with the 40" TV we already had?" He says, "It's not HIGH DEF, man!" "Oh. Okay." He takes his popcorn out of the microwave and says, "With certain brands of popcorn, just press the button that says popcorn. PERFECT POPCORN." He eats about 20 kernals and offers the rest to you. He says, "Did you hear about the new iPhone?" You say, "Yes. It's $500." He says, "I'm getting one. But they don't come out until June!" You say "I thought you told Ryan that you had them in stock. He pauses, and then says "Oh, we have the new blahblahblah in stock." "Oh." Then he says, "I'm tracking my new MacBook Pro. It's being shipped to me from Shanghai."

This morning you wake up and go into the living room with your computer to begin your work day. You spend 30 minutes on the phone with a client in Belgium, during which he comes in and plays around with the new 52" Plasma Screen High-Def TV. He doesn't turn it on, he is respectful of your conversation, he just sort of plays around with something in the back. He looks at you, then struts back into his room. You get off the phone and he comes back in, asking if you mind if he does something with the new 52" Plasma Screen High-Def TV. You say "No, go right ahead." He sits down next to you, on the couch that is twice as large as the new 52" Plasma Screen High-Def TV, but he sits on the very next cushion. He says "This thing is so fucking COOL, man. Check this out!" And then he pushes a button and gets an error message. Then he says "huh, I don't know why... It's not supposed to... I did that right..." Then he walks back into his room, comes back out again and says, "Okay, I'm leaving! Check you later."

You want so badly to give the poor guy the love he so desperately needs... but you just don't know how, since he makes you convulse with every word he utters. And you finally realize, this is not the final life for you. He is proof that you will have to come back again after you die, and continue trying to learn how to give to people who need love, even if you can't stand them.

Sigh...