Hubuduh What?

another one that's not for you
2006-09-15 : 4:18 pm

This is one of those entries where it's not for you, gorgeous readers of mine. I obviously don't care if you read it (otherwise I wouldn't post it), but the point of the entry is just for me to figure shit out, not to write something you'd enjoy reading. This is one of those "this is for me, not for you" entries. Wait, didn't I just say that?

Anyway.

I believe we all have lessons to learn in life. That is why we are here. Our spirit has lessons it needs to learn, and it keeps going through these individual, dirty, earthbound Lifetimes in an effort to learn them. Every Lifetime it experiences it learns certain lessons, but maybe not all. It keeps going through this until it gets through all of the lessons, then it graduates into Oneness with Everything. Or Heaven. Or whatever. That's not the point right now.

The point right now is one of the lessons I need to learn. Now, I don't know if this is a Spirit Lesson, or just a Jenny Lesson. Honestly, I think this may be just a Jenny Lesson, but by putting it into a greater context it at least lets me believe that I go through the crap of daily life for a much greater cause.

One of the lessons I have had the most difficult time learning throughout the twenty-seven and a half years I've lived in this as yet almost entirely clueless Lifetime of mine is being able to just let go of frustration when I can't do anything about it. Being able to just let go when people are being FUCKING IDIOTS and my choices are either a) GREATLY exascerbating a situation by reacting or b) just walking away. I almost always choose to walk away, which is the right thing to do, however I always carry with me about a million pounds of teary anger when I do, because at this point I am completely IMPOTENT. There is NOTHING I can do in times like these to make myself understood. These stupid, asshole, entitled people I have to deal with on a day to day basis just get to think whatever they are thinking and there's really nothing I can do about it.

Have you ever known someone you really disliked, someone who relished and exploited every possibility of condescension toward you, but with whom you had to maintain a civil relationship with for, say, business purposes? Have you ever had a conversation with this person in which they exhibited a supreme attitude toward you, simply because you were doing your job? Have you ever been in a situation where just to end this pointless and demeaning conversation you said, very sarcastically "sorry" and the person, you realized, failed to take it in the immature, granted, yet very unapologetic way in which you meant it, a way which you hoped would convey that you were NOT sorry, and that dammit you would maintain some semblence of dignity by making that known, and that person then responded with a forgiving "That's okay. :)" and there was NOTHING you could do to make them realize THAT YOU HATE THEM AND YOU WANT THEM TO DIE?!!? ahem, I mean, there was nothing you could do to make them realize you were not actually apologizing because there was nothing to apologize for? And now instead of maintaining at least some adolescent, rebellious shred of dignity, it's been lost entirely to this bitch sitting on a pedestal and there's nothing you can do to make it better so you just have to let it go at that? Let this person think you were actually bowing and scraping for their approval and forgiveness?

These situations give me HOURS of grief, sometimes days. This is the lesson I have to learn. It is goddamn time for me to be able to be in a futile, STUPID situation like this and just be able to think "Pssh, she's an idiot and will always be an idiot, she is mean to people and is therefore not worth the time I'm taking away from the good things in my life by being frustrated by her."

I'm trying so hard to figure this one out.