Hubuduh What?

dumb songs (too late to come up with a clever title)
2006-12-18 : 4:30 am

Today's points of order:

1. "Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All" by BandAid.

2. "Fergalicious" by Fergie.

1. Let's just take a look at the lyrics.

Not even getting into Sting and Bono's indignant assertion about Africa that "the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom" with the following devastatingly guilt-inspiring "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you" I'd like to talk about the most ridiculous line ever written, in any song, ever.

"And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas."

See, the members of BandAid wrote and performed this song as a means to raise funds and awareness surrounding the huge famine in Africa which, while always an issue, was apparently much more horrible at that particular time.

My question is this: Did they think there wouldn't be snow in Africa that particular Christmas BECAUSE of the famine?

Or perhaps it was apartheid that was preventing the snowflakes from falling. Maybe that was it.

Regardless, even if the very Scrooge-like and withholding famine and racism (selfish) HAD allowed snow to fall and make Africa look like something out of Currier and Ives, as it obviously SHOULD, would the winter parka deprived people of Africa have been able to EAT the snow? Would that have HELPED the situation?

Well, obviously.

And then there was the line "Do they know it's Christmas time at all?"

Well, my guess would be that the ones who practiced Christianity as a religion were actually aware of the holiday, yes. However, I very seriously doubt that the Muslims or those who belonged to any of the literally countless other tribal spiritualities practiced in Africa really gave a damn.

That's really all I have to say about that.

Granted, I am just about as far off the hip hop tip as I can possibly be, and this is quite on purpose, I assure you. I knew there was a group called the Black Eyed Peas, and I confused them with Eagle Eye Cherry ("Save Tonight," circa sophomore year of college) who I've also from time to time confused with Buck Cherry ("Crazy Bitch," which is Our Song for the Dude and I until we can find a real one. Or at least one that doesn't contain words like "Hey, you're crazy bitch but you fuck so good I'm on top of it." What can I say? We are but two dewy rosebuds blooming in the warm sunshiney face of love...)

So finally I saw some video or a commercial or something and there was like, a guy rapping, and a guy singing, and maybe another dude who also raps or sings, and then this girl. And she wasn't singing, she was just dancing WILDLY, throwing her arms around like she was swatting at a fly, then just STOPPING and POSING. Then swatting again. Apparently sometimes she sang, but sometimes she just danced.

So anyway, then this girl comes out with her own album and I hear the exact same thing from THREE SEPARATE PEOPLE: "Well, to be honest, I thought it was going to suck, but it's actually REALLY GOOD!!!"

So I thought, "Hey, might be worth it to give it a shot!" Of course I didn't go out and give it a shot, but sooner or later the first single presented itself as completely unavoidable. Fergalicious.

Weren't people rapping all slowly and methodically like that like, 20 years ago? She may as well be saying "My name is Fergie and I'm here to say!"

And keeanno otha laydee puddit deeown like me.

Sorry, Fergs, I think other ladies could probably put it down like you. I love it, too, when they spell their names. Because this certainly has NOT been done EVER BEFORE.

Once she's tackled the incredible feat of spelling her own nickname, she tackles the word "Tasty." Unfortunately, in this endeavor she is not quite so successful.

"T-A-S-T-E-Y"

In other news, last night I dreamed Saw III. I haven't yet seen Saw III, but I dreamed almost the entire movie (obviously the Jenny-Dream version, not the Actual Film version). It was weird. Okay I'm going to end this now before I spout any more absolute rubbish in the face of the impending immediacy of sleep.