approaching vapid with periodic bouts of genius
2007-04-19 : 9:12 am
Okay, this may take a while. It's been building. It's kind of like a Howler, I probably should have taken care of it when it started, because now it might blow up. I'll try to keep it under control.
I have a new boss. His name is Ted and he was hired to create a position that wasn't there before. In other words, where I didn't have a boss before, I now have a boss, and it's Ted, who has been here for one and a half weeks. By day 3 I was already close to frustrated tears because I hate him so incredibly much.
See, I like my job. I love my company. I had just gotten a promotion to a new position that I was going to like even more. What I like most about my company is that while it is an office and we do office-type-things, it is just about the least corporate place you could ever find. THIS IS WHY I WORK THERE. This is why EVERYONE works there.
When Ted came in for his interview he had his roundtable with us. This is something that every interviewee has to go through as part of our hiring process. After you've been through one or two phone interviews with the owner, you come in for a couple of in-house interviews. You're given tests, one on one's, a detailed overview of what it is we do here and what you'd be expected to do, you are required to come up with a game plan right there on the spot, and then we have the roundtable. This is where everyone in your department (and anyone who feels like showing up) comes into the conferece room with you, everyone sits around our big conference table and asks you questions. Anything from what 3 cd's/books would you take with you on a desert island to who's your favorite muppet to difficult "how would you handle this" situations involving ethics and delicately-walked lines of morality and legality.
After Ted's roundtable we were all asked our opinions. I said his answers sounded like he had memorized passages from a "How To Give An Effective Interview" book, and I thought he could introduce the kind of office politics my company has so successfully avoided in the 8 years it's been around. He used a lot of war imagery in his roundtable, too. I didn't love that. A lot of people had problems with him, but in the end my boss decided he was the best candidate and they hired him.
From Day One this guy has treated me like his personal secretary and done nothing but waste my already very insufficient time, keeping in mind that he knows I am transitioning from the role of Office Manager to Tech Support and until I can find a replacement for Office Manager I am doing BOTH jobs simultaneously. While I'm learning our system and training on helping our clients I'm also ordering Ted his office software, making sure company lunches run smoothly, cleaning up after people and organizing the office party, including planning the menu and giving people their allotted 3 drink tickets (which, as we all know, will turn into open bar the SECOND our boss gets drunk enough). Et cetera. So as not to take five hours to write this thing, here's an abbreviated list of the things he's done. I promise you, this is quite abbreviated:
- He said he needed me to figure out his commute for him, since he couldn't (or wouldn't) understand the MBTA website and therefore had to take a cab from Framingham to Boston 3 days in a row. Each way. Go ahead. Mapquest it. From his house it's about a 40 minute drive. (Solution: You hop on the train in Framingham and ride it to Boston. It's that difficult.)
- We all make our own cartoon characters with our likeness, it's like our individual avatar within the company. Yes, we are dorks. No, this is in no way required. There are some people who have never done it. This was the IM exchange Ted and I had about it.
Ted: "Andy's going to make my cartoon character for me today."
Me: "Cool."
Ted: "Yeah, so you may want to remind him of it later." - He's new, so he gets to pick out a desk from anywhere online, send me the link and I'll order it for him. He said "I'm sure whatever you find will be fine." Okay, fine, so more work for me, but whatever. I pick out a desk and send him the link so he can see it and his response is "Uh, Yeah... if I was SIX!!!"
- I ask him if he wants any particular office supplies. He says "Is there a budget? Like can I have my own stapler or is there a common one they want me to use?" "Oh, no, you can have your own stapler." "Okay cool, thanks. I want a stapler, a roll of tape, a desk lamp and a second computer. I like to have two computers. Oh, and for my cell phone I want the P@lm Tre0 700wx Sm@rtph0ne." Um, okay.
I, of course, went to my boss (the owner) to approve the $600 phone and he said "That's too much, get him to find something for closer to $400." (Keep in mind, we all have basic, basic phones.) I told Ted "I can only get that phone for full retail price which is $600, so you need to find something for closer to $400." Ted said "No, get the $600 one." I said, "Um, it's too expensive." Ted said, "Do you want me to go talk to John for you so I can get approval?" I said, "John told me $600 was too expensive and that you need to find something for $400." He actually ended up getting the $600 phone because he said "Well, I mean, if you WANT me to be available to you at any point during the day..." and they fell for it. Personally, I'd like knowing that there's a two hour commute every day where he couldn't reach me, but that's just me.
- His IMs to me go on for WAY too long, and start to get a little weird. He will IM me requesting something, I'll go off and do what he wants, and when I send him the information he asked for he'll write "I was just kidding." This has happened many, many times. At one point I bristled a little at his "duh" and told him that since what he was asking for was well within the normal scope of his job of course I would get him the information and not assume he was kidding about wanting it. He said "I see you have yet to understand my sense of humor." I wrote back "I don't think I have a problem understanding your sense of humor, it's more that there's no vocal inflection in text." Then he wrote "Do you want me to sing my text?"
Ted: "la la la"
Ted: "la la la la"
Ted: "la la"
Ted: "la"
Ted: "la"
Ted: "la"
Ted: "I figured you would like that."
Ted: "It was Ben and Andy stealing the drink tokens you were passing out last night at the party."
Me: "I know."
Ted: "I was an innocent bystander."
Me: "I didn't think you were stealing them."
Ted: "I laughed my ass off when they did"
Ted: "But I did not participate."
Me: "I know."
Ted: "YAY"
Ted: "Ok"
Ted: "so have you ever seen crank yankers?"
Me: "Yes, I know the YAY of which you speak."
Ted: "The guy with the football helmet - his name is special ed"
Ted: "YAY"
Ted: "Ok just so you know that is what I am doing when I right that."
Me: "haha, got it"
Ted: "ok"
Ted: "Now you try one"
Me: "One what?"
Ted: "a word that I can relate to an actuall sound"
Me: "let me think on it."
Ted: "k"
WHEN I RIGHT THAT?!?!!?
In another instance he wrote the word "proffesional" to me twice.
- What is so wonderful about my company is that they trust us. We don't work because we're scared of consequences or because if we do a good job we'll get a reward, we work because we believe in what we're doing and we want to do a good job. If, on home days, I have to be online from 9-6 and I sign on at 9:14, no one blinks an eye, because I will still, at the end of the day, have done my job. Ted has instituted an ATTENDENCE call. Roll call, at the beginning of the day (which, btw, he calls "role call.") He's doing that thing where he's trying to make it into a game. "At 9:00 everyone has to come up with a different kind of roll. Kaiser roll, Rolls Royce, etc." Yes, Ted, because it is so much fun to take the time I COULD be using to do my job to try to impress you with how creative I am that I have no idea you're trying to establish your authority in this completely pedantic way. He has also taken to sending out emails and IMs when someone does something good (again, their job) that include phrases like "This will not go unnoticed" or "You will be rewarded."
This does not motivate me to do a good job, it makes me feel defeated. I don't like the idea that this idiot is moving into a position where it will no longer be my job to DO my job, but more to please him. I'm not an idiot, I see where this is going.
- Yesterday Andy was in my cube, we were talking about a client problem we were having. Ted strutted up to Andy and said "Hey, Andy, you want a coffee? I'm buying." Andy was like, "Yeah, Ted, thanks!" Ted handed him his credit card and said "Great, I'll have a venti iced black eye with milk and no sugar" and walked away.
Yeah, so douchebag. He is a douchebag. And that really is about a quarter of the things he's done to make me hate him. The worst part is that other people seem to like him. It's difficult to tell since we don't really ever talk about our coworkers or bosses. Which is another thing I love about this company, however Ted may bring that all to an end if everyone starts hating him the way I do. All I can do, though, is wait it out and hope that other people notice these things. At first I was nervous, since he was acting completely normal to others and was only doing this crap to me, but with the coffee thing and fucking morning ROLL call I can start to hope that other people will see it. Another guy I work with responded to this morning's attendence with "do we need hall passes too?" That was sweet. Because, people, if we all rise, rise up against our oppressor, we may have a chance of overthrowing him and sending him back to Framingham with his stubby little tail between his legs.
Addendum: Violet left a comment mentioning Ted's seeming resemblence to Michael Scott. What is amazing about that is that while Ted reminds me not at all of Michael Scott, he reminds me EXACTLY of David Brent, who is Michael Scott's British counterpart.
